Are you happy with who you are right now? Do you love and accept everything about yourself? The good, the bad and the ugly?
I thought I loved myself until I started pausing and listening to the chatter in my head.
A nit picky voice loved to nag and comment on every little thing. Every morning, I got an update on my skin (a sore topic when you have acne), my coarser and thinner hair, my belly pooch and other parts of my Hashimoto body. The 90% resolution in these trouble areas by using food as medicine were not enough for this voice. She continued the assault by scolding me for staying in bed past the acceptable time and for always being late. She didn't care about my adrenal fatigue and need to rest. Great start to the day. Everyday.
The voice then went on to list all the tasks I should accomplish that day in order to feel good about myself - tasks related to my nutrition and health coaching career, my role as a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a homemaker. The list was too long and the expectations too high, with a focus on perfection - invariably setting me up for failure. I got used to failing. The voice got louder and angrier.
The voice often compared my body, intelligence, abilities, and even my capacity to love with other women. Friends, relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, famous women, absolute strangers. The voice loved all these other women. It didn’t love me.
Disguised as my well-wisher, this voice befriended (?) me at puberty. I had let her in easily and given her a home because I was naive. I thought she was a part of me. I thought she loved me. I thought she was looking out for me. I thought she wanted the best for me.
Now I know her for who she really is - a figment of my imagination, created by me so I could become worthy. She was there to coach me to perfection, so I could one day be worthy and then love myself.
Lately she hasn’t been around. I noticed her absence and knew why she had left.
My yoga practice had made me stop, pause and listen to her. My yoga practice had made me curious about the truth. My yoga practice had opened my body, mind and heart, so I could love myself. Today. Just as I am. Hashimoto’s body, brain and spirit. The good, the bad and the ugly. I didn’t need her coaching anymore. I was, am and always will be worthy.
Just as you were, are and always will be. Shine on.
XX - Priya